When I sit with clients who are grieving the loss of loved ones, I often hear questions such as,
“When will this be over?”, “What can I do to get through this quicker?”, “Why do I still feel this
way?”. When I hear those questions, I know there is an internal tension within the client
between, “I don’t want to do this anymore” and “I need to do this”. The answers are not
typically what the client wants to hear. The answers are, “You are doing it”. “It will be over
when it’s over,” and “You still feel this way because you are grieving.”
Our culture feeds the idea that there should be a quick fix, a process, an “app” for that. In our
world of “less pain is better”, and “faster is best”, we assume we can apply those beliefs to our
grief. But the truth is, grief takes time and energy; at times it will require our full attention. We
believe that the faster we get through the grief the better life will be because the pain will be
gone and we will feel normal again, and why wouldn’t we want to do that as quickly as possible?
There is the part of us that wants to be ourselves again, back to normalcy as we knew it prior to
the loss. What we need to understand is that we can never go back. From the point of loss
forward our lives will be different. A new construct of life must emerge and that takes time.
I often use the metaphor of the caterpillar, cocoon, and emerging butterfly to help clients
understand the process of grieving. The caterpillar is our life before the loss; the cocoon
represents our mourning where we need shelter and care as we begin to realize that change must
occur and who we were is no longer an option. The process of emerging from the cocoon is the
grief. It takes our time and attention; it can feel tedious, painful, and exhausting. For the
butterfly, the struggling and pushing through the cocoon develops its muscles it will need for its
new purpose. To try and by-pass or shorten that process would produce a butterfly that cannot
fly and cannot survive in the new world it has been thrust into.

Once we grasp that the process of grieving is purposeful, we can step into it fully. What does
“pushing through the cocoon” look like for us? Healthy grieving is processing through the
painful memories, allowing our hearts to cry when we need to cry, embracing laughter when it
comes, being vulnerable with trusted friends/family, and being part of a community. These are
healthy signs of movement toward our new normal. So, while it appears to be ironic, it is this
very process, the striving, pushing, and struggling that builds the framework we will need for our
new life.
When I lost my husband, I was greatly comforted by a Bible verse in the book of Romans
(chapter 5 verses 3-4). It says, “We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering
produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope.” Hope is what we need and
that is what emerges from our grief; not hope that life will be the same as it was but hope that the
new life can be abundant.
Brenda Stutler, LMHC and Certified Grief Counselor
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